Reformed Straight Girl in Progress

Oh Hi!

2010-02-12T15:09:00.002-05:00

Yep, totally been neglecting my blog. Hopefully, I will be able to write again soon. But not today.

It's supposed to snow today! In SC! WHOA!

Dumping My Bag

2009-08-12T12:42:00.003-04:00

Today, I was reading my usual blogs (as is my usual morning work routine since my job is at most times completely and utterly boring) I came across this post at Chicky Chicky Baby. Go ahead, read it, you know you want to! I will be waiting until you come back.

“La, La, La……La Ladi Doddi, Dah”

*tapping fingers*

Ok, so this post really struck a chord with me. I have been carrying my bag around with me for a few months now and it is full, overflowing in fact. It is time to dump some of this on the table and show the world or my readers reader what is lurking in my bag.

The resident that is taking up most of the space in my bag is the fact that my Dad has cancer, colon cancer to be exact. He is having his second round of chemotherapy today and considering the hell he has been put through the past couple months he has been doing fairly well.

You see he was diagnosed with colon cancer a couple months ago but the hack oncologist he was seeing said that he also saw something on his pancreas. And his asshole told him basically that he was going to die. And since my Dad doesn’t have a comprehensive health insurance policy this asshat also told him that he could not afford treatment. After all of this we were trying to get confirmation on the pancreas and tests were done and samples were lost and basically this schmuck kinda just dropped the ball and acted as though my sweet Daddy were already dead. Being the person that my Dad is he just went to another Dr. who immediately got on the phone with a Dr. at the Medical University and got my Dad in there for tests. Needless to say there wasn’t a tumor on his pancreas just a small nodule which they do not think is cancer because usually colon cancer spreads to other areas like the lungs rather than the pancreas. So, now that he has an optimistic outlook my Dad is doing much better.

Throughout all of these trials things needed to be taken care of such as things to do with his business and all of his personal property. I had been overseeing my Dad’s books for the past couple years and it was fine for me to come in a take more of a controlling hand in it. But my dear Aunt has been a thorn in my side the whole way. Marching in and making demands and orders and telling us everything that we need to do. As if she is the queen of the world. Of course anyone who knows me, knows that I really, really, despise being bossed around and told what to do. But, I have done my best to keep my mouth shut and tow the family line.

Well yesterday, I had gone to my parents house to fill out my Dad’s disability application and she was there of course. She is there every time I go to see my Dad. This is quite annoying, because she could come and see him anytime during the day, since she does not work. I, however, am limited by the times I can visit because of I dunno this thing called, work. Anyway, she has been Ms. Boss of the whole situation. So I ask her for some documents and she said she gave them to my Mom. Ok, great. Conversation could have ended their. But no, she had to rattle on about how she had this year and that, and there she goes around the corner to rifle through paperwork. At which time I ask her if they need to be mailed and she said yes. And I said, OK, well whenever you have something like this please let me know or give them to me so that I know what is going on. And she gets an accusatory tone and says “Well, sometimes you aren’t here, and sometimes I am not here and it has to go somewhere.” Well excuse the fuck out of me lady, I WORK. I know you worked for years and you are now retired. But gee whiz, could you cut me a break. Yeah my job isn’t demanding but it does take up most of my day. Of course I didn’t say any of this to her, because she is my Aunt, my elder. Oh, but I was thinking it, that is for damn sure. So, I guess all in all I have been pretty short with her these past few months but that is mostly because bullshit meter is already tapping out at capacity. And she just makes me crazy.

So, after all this she leaves, I breathe a sigh of relief and carry on with my business. So, I was really irritated when I got home but I was drinking a tall glass of fat free chocolate milk and enjoying my daily guilty pleasure a DVR’d episode of “Days of Our Lives”. When there is a knock at the door. You guessed it! It was my dear old Aunt come to confront me about the “problem” I have with her.

You see the beauty of my life is that I (and A) live on the same property with my family, Mom and Dad are next door and dear Aunt lives behind me.

At any rate she confronts me about being short with her. And after a few moments of her and I talking at the same time because every time I try to counter something she says, she pipes up again. Basically, she was trying to make me feel guilty. She succeeded. I was raised better than to treat my elders with disrespect. However, I am 33 years old. I am not 12 and that is exactly how she treats and talks to both me and my Mother! So, I told her that we (meaning my Mother and I) felt that she was trying to control everything and being extremely bossy and hard to deal with. And she started crying and said she was just trying to help. Boohoo… Yeah you see my concern right? The more I think about the situation the more my blood pressure rises. At any rate I apologized profusely so she would get out of my living room and of course she had to rehash it all 15 times before she left. And I of course had to apologize all of those times. Grrr.

So that all transpired in the two hours I had been home from work yesterday afternoon. In addition to all of the things that have been going on family wise, I have also had to have a large amount of dental work done. Well actually, I am supposed to have it done, but since the insurance company only pays $1,000 a year the rest will have to wait. I am going this afternoon to have two permanent crowns put on. Originally, it was only supposed to be one but once they started drilling they discovered my very back top molar was too far gone. Yay, another $800 down the drain. Since I am in Grad school and my place of employment pays my tuition I decided to take out student loans to help get rid of some lingering high interest rate credit card debt. Not this time, all of my refund is going to the dentist, plus some money that A gave me.

Can I catch a break? Please. I mean really.

Speaking of Grad school…I took the summer off because of everything with my Dad. Now I am about to start back next week and I am not thrilled. Do you know why? Because I checked out my degree plan and I still have another year left. An entire year I have to wait to graduate.

I think I dumped my bag for the most part. I love you A. and I always will. You have been a great support through all of this and I love you even more for it.

I am still keeping my feelings about my Dad and his illness safe in my bag for now. I am sure they will spill out someday, but for today they are tucked away.

Just another day...

2009-04-24T11:00:00.004-04:00

So its my slow time at work. Whenever there is a term in progress we have about 5 weeks of absolute dead times in the office. I mean seriously I see tumbleweeds blow through the hallway. Especially on Friday. And today being Friday and this being almost the last week of the quiet calmness I am reading blogs and surfing the web as usual. I ventured over to DOOCE and what ad do I see? This one...

Yo Mama! is right! What kinda ad is this? And what self respecting woman would pose in a unitard and leg warmers whilst pregnant. Don't get me wrong I love the female body! I love the pregnant female body! But a unitard and leg warmers? Bitch please...

Anyhew, not much new to report around my world. Life is good. School is bitch but I am making it. I have gotten a new sewing machine and I am hatching plans for all sorts of projects. If only I had time to do them all. One day I will not be in school and my free time will like free time again. Everytime I take time out to do something fun I feel guilty because I could be doing something school related. It's nerds guilt really. I really could apply myself more but I just don't want to. Besides I am getting a degree that will most likely be useless to me in the long run, but hey it was free! And I always say, you can't beat free.

Today just isn't my day

2009-03-19T13:51:00.001-04:00

My morning started off normally with the slapping of the snooze and the pleading for just 10 more minutes. I finally got out of bed and sauntered to the living room to head out the door for my morning nicotine fix when a horrible stench slapped me in the face. What the hell is that smell? It smells like something died in here. Oh god are all animals accounted for? Little dog is in bed, lazy dog is still sleeping; anxious dog is at my heels…needy kitty is over there…ok where is anti-social kitty. There she is under the table. Ok…what is that smell. A flip on of the bright light in the living room revealed it: a big stinky pile or should I say puddle of either dog puke or poop. It was brown and smelly and gross. I immediately started gagging. Ok, so there is huge pile of smelly animal excrement and its not even 7:15am…I am definitely going for a smoke. I smoke while devising a clean-up plan of attack. I cleaned it up as best as I could because now I was really running late. I sit on the bed to take off my socks and a pillow knocks over my glass of tea all over the alarm clock. Yay. I think I got it off before it could short out anything but I guess I will find out if I am late for work tomorrow. Then I get to the gate on base and stupid little twirp asks me for my pass and my id. I would have been on time if it weren’t for him! He had to check my id and my plate and blah, blah, blah. I pull into the parking lot at 8am. At least I was almost on time.

Somedays I feel like I am one of those little fish at the bottom of the ocean. I have all these big things swimming around me and I am just sitting at the bottom doing my thing. I see the light coming through the water at the surface but I just can’t seem to get off the bottom. Everything else is swirling and churning around me keeping me at the bottom. No matter how hard I try. One step forward and two steps back.

Gratitude

2009-01-28T13:04:00.001-05:00

This is a little late but I have been thinking about this post for about a week now. An acquaintance of mine from my pottery class writes a column for the local arts weekly and in it she wrote about all the things she was grateful for in 2008. You can read it here.

I feel that it is a great way to bring in a new year. You say your thanks for the all of things you were blessed with and move on to a new year of new experiences. Instead of making resolutions that are doomed for failure, ready yourself for a new year filled of promise. Here are the things I am grateful for in 2008.

1. I met April on February 8, 2008. It was truly the first day of the rest of my life.

2.I finally realized who I am. Instead of pushing feelings away and trying to be the person everyone else wanted me to be. I can finally say “I am me, take it or leave it”

3. I have the most wonderful family. They accept me for who I am and love me unconditionally. Not everyone in this world has that luxury.

4. I have a great group of friends. They support me and love me no matter what. Friends are truly the family we make for ourselves and I am thankful to have chosen all of them.

5. I have a job. Although I am not happy in it, I have one, it pays the bills and not most people can say that right now.

6. My four legged children. I welcomed 3 more into my life in 2008 and said goodbye to one.

7. I am happy that I got me meet April’s mom. Even though I did not have a chance to get to know her as I would have liked. I was able to meet her and I am pretty sure she knew how much I love April. While she was in the hospital I made a silent promise to her that I would take care of April no matter what.

8. My pottery class. While I am not a master potter I do enjoy the act of taking an unassuming lump of clay and molding it into something. Even if it is a wonky bowl or vase. I made it.

2009 will bring with it new experiences and challenges. I am looking forward to becoming active members in the local Unitarian church. April is moving in with me and I am very happy about that. I think I have made a decision about school. I am going to go ahead and move forward with the MPA program for the moment and hopefully start on a Counseling degree in the fall. I have will have two Master’s degrees then and whole lot of student loan debt but maybe, just maybe, I will be the change in the world I want to see. When I was younger I wanted to change the world and I had idealistic notions about government. It doesn’t change that easily and like many idealistic young Americans I became jaded. Now, I see things differently. I want to change the world but one person at a time. If I can make a difference in one person’s life by helping them through a difficult situation then I have made a change in the world.

Which way do I go George?

2009-01-14T15:13:00.001-05:00

Lately I feel like I don’t know where I am going professionally. I have grown increasingly disinterested in my graduate classes. I am actually extremely dissatisfied with the instructors I have and the material that is being presented. I don’t really feel like I am learning much of anything. Yeah I learned some about economics last term but that is only because I literally knew nothing about it to begin with. But the term before that…I learned about initiative petitions. Big friggin’ deal. I have always wanted to teach on the college level. That has been my career goal since high school. Along my life journey I have changed my mind a few times but I always go back to political science / public affairs because it intrigues me. These classes are far from intriguing. They are boring and not stimulating. BLEH.

So, I have been doing some soul searching and I think I want to change careers. I have been thinking a lot about it and I think I would like to get into the counseling field. The issue is I am already halfway through this MPA degree and I don’t have to pay for anything except books. If I decide to go into counseling I will need to pay for those classes. So what is a girl to do?

I have this overwhelming feeling that I need to live my life with some sort of purpose. That purpose being to help people. Help them when they need it the most. I was reading the newspaper and in it they were highlighting the fact that the local special needs and disabilities organization needs volunteers because their budget has been cut dramatically. I have thought about going there to volunteer. I have also thought about volunteering at the local hospice although that might be a little too much for me to handle. I just don’t know what to do and I don’t know how I can go about finding the answers for myself.

Is 33 to young to be experiencing a mid-life crisis?

the light

2009-01-12T15:19:00.000-05:00

the light in your eyes
shines for me

are you real?
Can it be?

I didn’t know
it could be

like this
forever, truly.

Excuse my while I rant

2008-12-12T15:19:00.000-05:00

Some people really bother the crap out of me. Why do people insist on wallowing? I have been through bad break-ups before. I have felt like my heart was literally ripping in two and that my entire life essence had been drained. Did that keep me from moving forward? No. I had a marriage end for god sakes. A marriage. It didn’t work. Some things just don’t work no matter how hard you try or how much you want them to. It doesn’t mean you don’t love the person or miss them. It hurts, I know it does. But your life isn’t over. That part of your life came to a close but you are still the same person. Maybe smarter, wiser with a couple scars but you are still you. You can’t hang your life on someone else’s shoulders. That is why the relationship ended in the first place. You have to love you before anyone else will love you like you should be loved. Quit looking to someone for validation and look inward. Your life is yours, not someone else’s.

On the horizon

2008-12-12T15:11:00.000-05:00

In seven days I will celebrate my 33rd birthday. Most days I cannot believe I am this old. Not that 33 is old, it’s not really in the grand scheme of things but I am not in the place that I thought would be when I imagined how my life would be. I would think that most people are in the same situation I am in. It really isn’t a bad situation I am actually happy with my life. I want more of course but once you stop wanting more you aren’t really living. Are you?

So much to say but not enough time!

2008-12-05T10:09:00.002-05:00

I have several posts meandering in the back of mind but I haven't had the time to get them all together. Holidays, finals, appointments and parties! I just can't think straight much less have some "me" time. I am just grumpy in general. Hopefully, I can relax a bit this weekend, after I get that damn final done!

2008-11-05T11:59:00.000-05:00

To everything there is a season,
a time for every purpose under the sun.
A time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill and a time to heal ...
a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance ...
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to lose and a time to seek;
a time to rend and a time to sew;
a time to keep silent and a time to speak;
a time to love and a time to hate;
a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I am not a religious person but these words are so true. For everything there is a season. A. lost her Mom on October 19th after a short but hard fought battle with cancer. I have been at a loss for words since then. Loss of a loved one is the hardest thing for a person to deal with and more so with a parent or child. I did my best to be the one for her to lean on. I was with her at the hospital while we waited. We made endless trips down stairs for cigarettes and a break from the four walls of ICU. Her family graciously welcomed we into their family and let me support her in this time of great sorrow. Among all of the sadness there were tears, but there were also wonderful stories, jokes and laughter. To everything there is a season but sometimes those seasons are intertwined.

Our friends gathered for the service and we decided to go to the beach after, to fly kites. It was an absolutely beautiful day. Our kites flew beautifully (with the exception of the Winnie the Pooh one) and smiles and laughter were all around.

a time to weep and a time to laugh

I let A. walk with her kite down the beach because I knew she probably needed some time to herself. She was looking for shark’s teeth on the beach one of her (and her mom’s) favorite things to do. I caught up with her down the beach and we danced. No music. Only the waves crashing in the background. We danced and held each other.

a time to mourn and a time to dance ...

My Thoughts on the "bailout" plan

2008-10-02T20:32:00.001-04:00

I have seen too many posts lately from average Americans who say they don’t support the bailout plan. Ultimately it is your decision as to whether you support it or not but there are many issues the news media and politicians aren’t telling you about the bailout plan. First of all the plan shouldn’t be called a “bailout” it really should be deemed as a “stimulus” or something else. Bailout has a really negative connotation and leads Americans to believe that only Wall Street is being affected by this plan. This is NOT the case. What we are currently experiencing is a credit crisis and its need to be resolved because it will only get worse from here.

Unemployment in the United States is at a 7 year high. What happens when people are unemployed? They can’t pay their bills, their credit is affected and banks have to accept this bad debt or write it off. Foreclosures are increasing daily which equals more bad debts that are being accrued by banks. This is causing a credit crisis. This crisis is what is being addressed by the bailout deal. The government is buying this bad debt in order to free up the banks to lend more money to businesses and Americans. You might say what does mean for me? How does this affect me? It affects the American people in many ways. Businesses especially large ones rely on banks to lend them money to use for capital investments such as new equipment, building, etc. The addition of capital to businesses provide opportunity for growth in the way of new jobs. These new jobs and growth will help with the growing employment rates.

If this plan doesn’t move through Congress credit will continue to decline. Banks will be less likely to lend to you. What this means for the average American is you won’t be able to get credit to buy things that are necessary for your lifestyle such as a car, home, home improvements, etc. Let me make an example. You are an average American with a car that is financed. You get in a car accident on your way to work. Your car is totaled. Of course your insurance policy pays for the car and you are free from the debt (if you aren’t upside down in your loan or you paid the extra amount for GAP protection). You need to buy a new car so you can continue to travel to work, take the kids to school, etc. Say you have less than perfect credit like many Americans. You can’t get a loan. The banks are only giving loans to people with perfect credit and even then it’s tough. No car = no job = no money for mortgage, etc.

There are several different theories out there about the plan and suggest giving the money to the American people. It all sounds good in theory. But how will it help the crisis? The government can potentially make money by buying this bad debt and giving the economy a jumpstart. But giving it to us doesn’t have the potential for profit. Yes we will be paying taxes on it but it’s not the best plan. Also, let’s think about where this money is coming from. The US is operating at a serious budget deficit. This money isn’t coming from taxpayers; it will be borrowed from other countries such as China. Do you really want to accept money from the government if it is coming from another country? That is debt that will have to be paid off in the future. If the government can turn a profit off of this venture it will be better all around.

There is a lot of blame going around about who is responsible for this crisis. Democrats or Republicans, Wall Street, The Clinton Administration, The Bush Administration, but really who cares? I don’t. I don’t care whose fault it is. I am more concerned with who and how we are going to fix the problem. I am sure there is not one specific group to blame but rather many different groups. There are even some people that blame the American people for the burst of the housing bubble and the subprime mortgage crisis. I can almost agree with this argument. The American people who accepted these loans should have had the knowledge that when they accepted the loans and adjustable interest rates that their payments would increase. However, predatory lending is to blame as well. People accepted these loans but weren’t completely aware of what they were getting themselves into. After all of this turmoil rights itself America should learn from this and know what not to do in the future. You would the Great Depression would have taught us enough about how to not get into a crisis like this again but I guess some people forgot how it happened and relaxed all of the government regulation of markets that arose out of it.
Like I said before, it is ultimately a personal decision as to what you believe and what you don’t. I think that a majority of Americans do not understand what is going on the economy and what it means for them. Hopefully this has shed some light.

Six Months

2008-09-11T10:32:00.003-04:00

* This is a little late because our anniversary was on the 1st...but this has been working in my head for awhile now.

It has been six months since you pulled me out onto the street to kiss me and I confessed my undeniable crush on you. Most of the time it feels like you have been with me my whole life. I think you were hiding in my heart just waiting for the right time to appear. We have both said that we wish we had met each other sooner but I think this was the right time for us. We weren’t ready for each other before. We had to make our mistakes and learn our life lessons before we met. And now, here we are 6 months into a wonderful life together.

To celebrate our six month anniversary here are some memories…

- Going out for Sushi and then to TJ Maxx…we were just friends then but you picked up the tongs in the kitchen area and grabbed my boob with it. Oh the sexual tension!

- Our friend date for the movies that turned into a trip to the game stop and on the way you closed the sunroof with my hair in it. We laughed so hard we almost crashed the car and continued to laugh on the way into the store. So much that everyone must have thought we were on drugs.

- Later on that night…there were drinks, dancing, the kiss on Bay st. and the confession.

- Driving to your house in my pajamas just so I could give you a hug cause you were having a bad day.

- You coming to my house for dinner the first time...I was so nervous I burned the garlic bread and the spaghetti was far from phenomenal.

- Porch talks until the wee hours of the morning and drinking hot tea.

- Slow dancing to our own music.

- Singing to you in the kitchen.

-And my most favorite…waking you in the mornings and seeing your first smile of the day.

Some would say it’s only been 6 months…and I may say that too because, it’s only the beginning. I love you.

R.I.P My Sweet Buffy Girl

2008-08-29T14:06:00.002-04:00

This is a picture of my sweet kitty Buffy. She left our world on Wednesday August 27, 2008. Buffy lived 3 1/2 years with me all the while struggling with feline leukemia. She was diagnosed when she was only 4 months old. She wasn't supposed to be with me as long as she was but she made it.

She was a sweet and loving kitty. I know I will miss her everyday. She would always snuggle with me while I was working on the computer in my office. Her favorite spots were on the back of the chair, in my lap or laying across the mouse pad. Buffy was a snuggler and loved to warm me up on cold nights by snuggling under the covers.

Heaven got a little bit sweeter on Wednesday. I miss you Buffs but I will see you again one day.

When did I gasp get old?

2008-08-29T13:56:00.001-04:00

Lately I have been looking up lots of old friends on myspace and facebook. Actually most of them are on facebook. They are old friends from high school mostly and a few from college. And there are a few who accepted my friend request, looked at my profile and saw that I am with A. and deleted me. How about that? And I thought our society was progressing. Just goes to show you, once a pretentious ass always a pretentious ass.

Anyway I just totally got off subject.

The major theme I am noticing with these friends is there spouses. Now most of these friends are women considering I wasn’t very friendly with a great number of dudes in high school (go figure). So, these long lost pals of mine, are married now many with kids. Which is awesome I can’t wait to start a family with my girl. But their husbands….they are all old. I mean they kinda look like this guy

OK, so maybe not totally like him. But they are balding. I still think of myself as a young and sassy 32 year old. Maybe A. keeps me young because well she is 5 years my junior for most of the year.

And I feel young with her.

I feel better with her than with any other person I have ever been then. We laugh and giggle all of the time. And that truly keeps you young in my opinion.

But these husbands…eeek! Maybe I am just a snot. Or maybe it is just my reformed straight girlness…any man less than perfection isn’t worth a second looks by me. Yeah that’s probably it. My new outlook on life has changed my view of men. I am no longer sizing them up…cause I don’t need one. I have all that I need. With my woman. Ahhh…life is good.

Random thoughts from a day without internet...

2008-07-28T14:52:00.001-04:00

So I am taking a pottery class and I love it. We get to work with the wheel and everything. My instructor is a mish-mash of man. He has a Master’s degree in biology or some such, was a college professor, school teacher and is now a master potter. He also sits on a board of a foundation in his home state of Ohio. What a varied and random life!

The other people in my class are eclectic as well. There is an out of work architect from Canada, a former real estate agent and vegetarian, a lesbian couple (one of whom has breast cancer) who used to own their own “paint your own pottery studio”, a school teacher who has a 17 year old daughter and I swear she doesn’t look a day over 30, and a lovely woman who writes for a local arts and entertainment magazine. There are few others who meander in and out of the group. The former real estate agent and I are the only newbies for this session of class and the rest of the group has been together for quite some time I think.

This being said none of this really has to do with the subject of this post but the internet is out at my office and I lacking in things to keep my mind occupied. SO…this post may very well be scattered and contain way too much information.

As I stated earlier one of the members of my class has breast cancer. In our class discussions about the subject I have learned very little about her diagnosis, treatment and current health. I did learn that she used to have straight hair and was blonde prior to treatment. Now her hair is brown and curly. I think that happens to a lot of people who lose their hair. It comes back in a different shade and texture. It’s like a surprise! I remember when my maternal grandfather went through chemo. He always had a thick head of jet black hair that was longish on top and always combed back 1950’s greaser style. After chemo it grew back grey and very thin. I remember the last time I saw him I was the ripe age of about 12 and all I could think was “this is the last time I am going to see him, and I don’t want to remember him this way.” Turns out I really don’t want to remember him at all…but that is another story.

What I really wanted to talk about here was the love I have witnessed between my classmates. The one with breast cancer (lets call her BC) is usually in my class while her partner takes the hand sculpting classes that are during the day. Her partner (lets call her PR) usually accompanies to her class and makes sure she is ok and tells everyone to make sure to help her. Of course BC doesn’t really want any help because I take her as someone really proud and not wanting sympathy or help in any way. And just they way they look at each other is a testament of their love for each other. Both of these women are in their mid to late 50’s by my estimation and they have obviously been together and loved each other for a very long time. It is unfortunately obvious that BC’s battle most likely will not be won.

This makes me think. What would I do if something happened to A? I look at the them and I see A and I in 20 years. That is a loss I don’t want to have to deal with. Unfortunately, I guess we all have to deal with it at some point, don’t we? The loss of a close loved one.
At this point in my life I have lost only 2 people who were near and dear to my heart. That was my paternal Grandfather and Grandmother. I lost my Granddaddy in 2000 and my Grandmamma just last year. Losing my Granddaddy was very hard in that he was my best friend growing up. They lived right next door my whole life. There were hardly ever any kids around for me to play with so I was his constant companion. By the time I entered school he had retired (or in his terms, he was just tired) from the family business and he would tinker around all day. When summer time came I was his shadow and constant companion. He was trooper throughout it all. He suffered from severe arthritis and would play baseball and badminton with me without complaint. I know I had to be annoying but he always made time for me and answered all of my questions. After long bouts with cancer (skin, bladder, prostate, testicular and bone) along with heart disease he finally gave up his fight at the ripe age of 82. His loss was heart breaking even though I knew he was in a better place.

My Grandmamma gave up her fight at the age of 82 as well. We all thought that she wouldn’t last long after my Granddaddy passed because her life revolved around him for over 60 years. She lived 7 years past him though. Her loss hit me very hard. Months afterwards I was still sick with grief. It was like it was the end of an era. She was the last thread to my Granddaddy and all the memories we shared. I still have those memories but it is not the same. I know she missed him so much and now they are together again probably fishing or joking around. They were always so in love with one another. He never left the house without giving her a sweet little peck on the lips.

Life is full of loss. It is everywhere around us. Yet the world just keeps moving forward. And we keep moving forward. The world doesn’t stop when you lose someone you love. But what are you to do when your world stops? What do you do when you lose the person you have built your life with? How do you move on from that? I hope I never have to find the answers to these questions myself. Or if I do, I hope it is when I am old and gray and I have a lifetime of laughter and memories behind me.

Habits

2008-07-25T11:53:00.002-04:00

Does anyone else have any weird habits that they do eventhough seemingly there is no point to them?

Well I have a habit that everytime I visit the bathroom be it at home or in a public place before I open the door or as I am walking out my hand inevitably goes to my fly to make sure I am zipped. I always wonder to myself why I do this because usually I find that I am zipped and my beautiful fruit of the looms (cotton with lace! so attractive and breathable!) are concealed from view by the general populace.

Last week I was leaving the downstairs bathroom at my place of work and SCORE! My zipper was down and I caught it before walking out to find a gazillion people in uniform eyeing my undies. Ok, so really there was no one outside the door of the bathroom but my fly was not opened in case there were people there. So that's good! 'Cause I would have been super embarassed to walk out and see one my uniformed students gaping at my opened fly and pink panties.

So score one for the weird habit I have. Because a price can't be put on not showing your undies to unsuspecting passersby...unless you are stripper well then that's another story.

Baggage

2008-07-21T18:51:00.000-04:00

Baggage is something we all have in this day and time. It is not a time like when my parents got married and they had only dated a few people before and they were in high school. In today’s society we all carry baggage from previous relationships. Mostly it is emotional baggage but for some it could be in the way of children, debt, or whatever else. (I am not saying that having children from a previous relationship is a bad thing, but it is taken into consideration when entering into a new relationship.

My question is how do you move forward with a new relationship and leave that baggage behind? Is it even possible? In my case I had several long term relationships and a marriage under my belt before I met my partner. Each relationship was a learning experience (to say the least) and I do not regret any of them as they all led me to where I am now. (Well maybe except for that one really really bad abusive one) BUT…and that is a big but I would be lying if I said that some of them didn’t scar me to the point that it affects my behavior in relationships.

A lot of it has to do with me as well. If I sense that there is something wrong I immediately blame myself and wonder what I did wrong, what did I do to bring this on? And it could be something completely benign. And it most likely doesn’t even deserve all of the thought and worry I throw at it. I am always the one to make “a mountain out of a mole hill.” I can get myself completely and totally worked up about something that is really inconsequential. And I think that I am not alone in this struggle. I think that many women feel this way in relationships. Like everything is always our fault. Why is that? What is it in our society that makes us feel like we are always the ones to blame when things go awry?

Personally, I know that I need to work on communicating better and sharing my feelings. I feel so much most of the time but I keep it all in…afraid to let it go. I don’t know why I am afraid. I shouldn’t be. I have the most loving family and partner a person could ask for but yet I still feel like I need to keep things in. I need to learn to just let go but, how?

Some days you just don’t feel strong at all….

2008-07-14T19:56:00.001-04:00

My friends have always praised me for my strength in the face of adversity. I have always been the one to put on a brave face and move through struggles with a smile but when I am at home and alone it’s a different story. The truth is no matter how many times people tell you that you are strong some days you just don’t feel it. Kinda like some days you don’t feel like having your normal glass of sweet tea with dinner. Somedays maybe you want water, lemonade or an adult beverage. Well yesterday I wanted to order up a glass of whine with a side of self-pity.

Maybe it is just what you have to deal with being a woman in this day and time. Even if you want to let your hormones take hold of you, you can’t because it will be perceived as weakness. I don’t want to be perceived as weak, I mean who does? What is wrong with having feelings and expressing them? Sometimes I get told that I show no emotion and people don’t like that…so what’s a girl to do? Be stoic and show nothing and hide myself away when I am feeling blue, or let it all hang out and be perceived as weak?

Choice

2008-06-16T14:31:00.003-04:00

Yet another post and I am talking about choices but this is a little bit different than my last post. But…only a little.

So, this morning I was listening to my favorite morning radio show, Bob and Sheri. And Sheri was talking about a blog post she has written in which she writes a letter to her 14 year old self, giving her insights and advice. And she said to herself

“You’re not going to be lucky in love – at least, not for a long time. Oh, don’t feel sorry for yourself! You’re going to learn an awful lot along the way, and the biggest lesson for you is: don’t merely allow yourself to be chosen. Do the choosing.”

And I felt like she was talking to me.

Why couldn't have someone told me that when I was 14...or 19 or 27 for chrissakes? This doesn't mean I don't value all of the life lessons that my relationships have given me. What a little nugget of knowledge. Don’t let someone choose you, you need to do the choosing. And this is exactly what I did with A. Granted I feel that we chose each other, but it wasn’t me begging for attention and marketing myself to her. It was a completely natural and forthright attraction to one another. The first relationship I have had where I feel completely natural and I don’t have to “try”. We love each other for just the way we both are…period…end of story.

It’s fabulous.

Anyway, as I was reading Sheri’s blog I was thinking what I would tell a younger version of myself. What insights could I impart upon a younger version of me that would help. And I can’t think of anything. Yes, it would be great to go back and say hey, you idiot stop dating that dude, he’s a total ass. Or apply yourself more in college, you will wish you had later. But there is not one thing I would do differently. Yes, I have had heartache, disappointments and fits of depression. However, if I did not have any of those things I would not be the person I am today.

And I really like who I am today.

I actually love who I am today.

And according to people around, I look great. The happiness is just shining through.

Love...A Choice?

2008-06-12T13:40:00.001-04:00

While at work today, bored out of my mind and avoiding working on grad school assignments I was surfing the blogosphere. During my surfing I came across a meme posted by a fellow blogger and in it you are asked to define several words. One of which was Love and he defined it as “a choice you make, not an emotion you feel.”

What?

Love is a choice you make? Hmm…I don’t know about that one. This makes me think of a conversation I have had with A. She was mentioning that I was “stuck” with her and said “I am not stuck, I choose to be with you.” Because at the end of the day I would rather be with someone who I choose to be with rather than someone I was stuck with.

So, some people think love is a choice. It may be a choice for some, but not for me or many others. Sometimes the road that we have to travel because of the people we love is not the one we would choose for ourselves if given that choice. I love A. with every fiber of my being and I choose to be with her. But I did not choose to fall in love with her. Just like she did not choose to fall in love with me. It happened at time when we had both decided that we didn’t want to be in relationships but here we are. We tried to deny it for awhile and just be friends, but that didn’t work. I had a horribly intense, all consuming crush on her and I couldn’t keep it myself.

Love can’t be just a choice. It is way more than that. It does involve choices. You have to choose whether you are going to let it take hold of you. That’s where the choice comes in and maybe that is what the person who said it meant. Maybe he had love once and chose to let it go. Or maybe he had it; chose to keep it and the intended lover didn’t make the same choice.

Here is my choice.

I love my A., I choose to keep her, be with her, make a future with her, laugh with her, cry with her, argue with her, dance with her, breathe with her, sleep with her, wake with her, be everything with her.

feeling romantic today

2008-05-21T11:54:00.004-04:00

So here are some poems....

I Carry Your Heart With Me
E.E. Cummings

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

At Last
Elizabeth Akers Allen

At last, when all the summer shine
That warmed life's early hours is past,
Your loving fingers seek for mine
And hold them close—at last—at last!
Not oft the robin comes to build
Its nest upon the leafless bough
By autumn robbed, by winter chilled,—
But you, dear heart, you love me now.

Though there are shadows on my brow
And furrows on my cheek, in truth,—
The marks where Time's remorseless plough
Broke up the blooming sward of Youth,—
Though fled is every girlish grace
Might win or hold a lover's vow,
Despite my sad and faded face,
And darkened heart, you love me now!

I count no more my wasted tears;
They left no echo of their fall;
I mourn no more my lonesome years;
This blessed hour atones for all.
I fear not all that Time or Fate
May bring to burden heart or brow,—
Strong in the love that came so late,
Our souls shall keep it always now!

Trust your heart

2008-05-19T15:07:00.001-04:00

No matter what the circumstances are, trust your heart. Even if it feels like it is breaking if there is a little glimmer of hope in it, trust it. I knew I would be okay if things didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to but they have. And so I say to you, as A. said to me last night, trust your heart. It will guide you on the right path. Many times your head and your heart will collide, but follow your heart it knows your path. I have been doing everything I *thought* was the right thing to do for almost all of my adult life and it has led me to nothing but unhappiness and sorrow. When I made the leap with A. I was following my heart for the first time and it has been the most exciting and wonderful experience of my life. Yes, we did break up. And yes, I was miserable for a week. Yes, we are now back together and stronger for it. We are following our hearts wherever they may take us. It is going to be an exciting journey and I can’t wait to see what the future holds.

I had an epiphany today.

2008-05-15T19:03:00.005-04:00

I had an epiphany today. While having conversations with ex-boyfriend (EB) who is actually a great guy and wonderful friend I had a revelation. This all came about because he has been my “counselor” through this hard time. I have been moaning to him since Tuesday about my love woes and my general angst about the whole situation. Now how many reformed straight girls out there have the luxury to be able to confide in an EB about their troubles with women? He is certainly an exception to the rule.

Anyway, he and I had been chatting online all morning when we both got really busy with work. While we were both busy I began talking to A. as well. We were having generally good conversation and she actually got me to giggling. Some things came up in conversation that were making me feel all angst ridden again but I was determined to not feel all weird about it. She got some troubling news and had to go . So, I go back to conversation with EB. And he asks me “exactly what are you looking for from A. when you talk to her?” Now there is a thoughtful question. And I am thinking…and thinking…and thinking…

What am I looking for? Her to change her mind? Not going to happen. Some sign that I am not crazy and she really does love me and want me back? It's possible. I know she does love me and I am not crazy. It's just not the right time for us.

So, I say to wonderful EB “I guess I am looking to everyone else for the answers when I really need to be looking inside myself for them.” AND there is your epiphany folks! I don’t need to be wallowing in this woe is me attitude. The whole time I have been thinking to myself “who am I? this isn’t me” And there is the answer. I have been acting like some lovelorn weak person. And that is not me. I got caught up in a state of mind that is so far from who I am I lost my way back.

I am not weak. I am strong. I need to be me again. And I will be, I will be the one she met and liked. The educated, independent woman I am. I lost myself somewhere in our relationship and I am coming back. This doesn’t mean I love her or miss her any less. I do love her and miss her very much. A voice in my head tells me that this will not be the end for us. It is just a rest area on the interstate of life. We need to recharge our batteries. Both of us are worn down from our previous journeys and need to regroup. There is nothing wrong with that. I relish it just as I relish her friendship. There is a possibility that we will not be together in the end. And I am okay with that. I will always be the hopeless romantic. But in the end, I am okay.

I am okay.

too many questions, and not enough answers

2008-05-14T22:25:00.000-04:00

I thought I was feeling better today. Still didn’t sleep well last night. I can’t seem manage to sleep more than 3 hours at a time. I always wake up with this ache, this feeling, this all consuming sadness. How can something that was so short-lived still hurt so badly? It was intense and I still feel intense.

So I woke up today and I almost felt normal. Maybe it was because Boo is feeling better and that lifted my spirits. But then the sadness came back. I try to fight it away but it always comes back. My thoughts race, my heart pounds and my lip trembles. My damn lip was trembling all day yesterday. It is my one betrayer. I have always been good at putting on a happy face. After all that is what we southern ladies do. It doesn’t matter what tragedy has befallen you, you are to put on a happy face and smile. But my lip, it trembles. As if to say “Hello, you aren’t ok? Why are you still faking it?” I don’t want the world to know that I fell in love so hard and so fast that I can’t seem to find my way back after it disappeared.

So I am not feeling better. I just spent the better part of an hour crying and mumbling to myself. I have never felt this hopeless before. Why do I constantly wish she would call, come by, email, IM? Why do I feel so hopeless for myself but keep hope alive for her?

My heart is tired. My brain is tired. I want to take them both out and put them in a box to rest awhile. If only I could do that. If only they had on/off buttons. Maybe then I could get some rest.

I have this ache...

2008-05-13T22:03:00.000-04:00

I have this ache in my chest that won’t go away. A, broke up with me Friday night. No matter what I do I can’t make this feeling go away. I have so many thoughts running through my head that I feel like my head is going to explode. Just trying to keep it together at work has become a challenge. Especially on slow days like today. When I have nothing to do except think and look at stuff on the internet. Class is over and I have nothing to throw myself into. I was looking forward to this break from class and now all I want is something to occupy my brain.

My last post was very telling. It told a story of what was to happen but I didn’t know it at the time. Now I look at it and tell myself I should have known. I should have known it was too good to be true. I always say that, but how could I? I didn’t know what the future would hold. All I knew was that I had found someone who made my heart smile. When I was with her the rest of the world fell away and it was just us. I thought I had found my soft place to land in this crazy world. I didn’t know that soft spot had thorns hidden beneath the surface. Thorns she didn’t even know about.

I don’t know where to go from here. The easy answer is move on. But how do you do that? I have done it before but this time, it is just so different. Like our relationship was different. My visions of our future were so vivid. I could see them so clearly that it was scary. Especially scary for a reformed straight girl such as myself. I had told my folks and they were great. They were supportive and just want me to be happy. The most scary part for me was out of the way after that. And to have to come back a week later and say, yeah, about that, not so happy anymore. I know they are concerned about me.

Everything is pale now. Nothing holds the same happiness as it used to. I feel like I am in a hole but I can’t seem to find the strength to climb out. I don’t want to, I just want to wallow. It’s funny I was watching sex and the city last night and Charlotte suffered a miscarriage. Miranda said, she will be ok, she just needs to feel it. So all day today I have been wondering if I just need to feel it. I don’t want to feel it, I want to feel something else. Anything else.

She wants me in her life. I so desperately want to be in it to. But at what level? How do I do that? We have been talking and it’s hard. She made me feel better about things for a while. This ache is still there though. I don’t want to be a yo-yo. I have decided that even if she does want more than just friendship at some later point that I am not going to let it happen. Not until she is done with school. I can’t do the back and forth thing, it just causes resentment and pain. I don’t want to resent her. I just want nothing but love and happiness for us both. I want it to be us together, but that might not be. I told her I wouldn’t wait, but I can’t resign myself to do anything but that. I will be alone, I don’t want anyone else. I can’t imagine myself with anyone else. I miss her, Boo misses her. I am talking to her right now and it makes me happy and sad at the same time. Happy for her company, sad because it isn’t the same. Nothing is the same. I thought I could just slip back into my old patterns, but I can’t. I don’t want to do the same things anymore. Television can’t even hold my interest. I bought a book to read while on break from school and I can’t bring myself to open it up.

I hope I can get out of this slump. I just want the ache to go away.

People are strange

2008-05-08T14:51:00.000-04:00

I always find it odd how people deal with things differently. Like when you are grieving, some want to be alone, some want to be with family, some just want friends. I like to be around people who care and love me but I will most likely be quiet and grumpy. It helps just knowing they are there. They don't have to do anything, just be there. So, thats what I try to do for loved ones when they are upset or grieving, just be there. But how are you supposed to react when you are being pushed away? When they don't want you there? How does a new relationship survive when one person does the pushing and pulling and the other is along for the ride? I guess you can see where I am going with this....

Early in A. and I's relationship (Ok, so its still early but it feels like years) she would push me away and pull me in. All out of fear that I was going to hurt her. But if I was going to hurt her I would have from the beginning and I have not. Because as we agreed upon we were in love even before we knew we were. When we were just friends, trying to deny our attraction to each other and our feelings. Anyway, something traumatic has happened and she is hurting and I want to help but her solution is to go drink with her best friend. Without me, I am supposed to be her best friend too. I just want to help, give hugs and hold her hand. But...I am not welcome. I feel like whenever there is any sign of trouble she is going to push me away and I can't take it. I am not built like a yo-yo. I have had too much heartbreak in my life to endure anymore, and to have it happening constantly. I just don't know.

So Glad It Is Friday!

2008-05-02T12:25:00.000-04:00

Work has been chaos today. It has calmed down for now, thank goodness. So now I can work on more important things like my Blog!

Yesterday was our 2 month anniversary. Yay! I sent flowers to A. at work. She has never received flowers before at work so I was glad I could be the first to do that for her. She was surprised and so happy! It made my day to hear her on the phone smiling with her voice.

I met up with some friends last night who I haven't talked to or seen in a couple months who don't know about A. and I. I had to drop the bomb last night and it went really well. I only told one friend though, she is one of my closest friends. I am sure it will filter through to the others soon enough. She was very supportive and assured me that she just wanted me to be happy. She even sent me an email later to confirm those thoughts.

I am lucky to have such a wonderful, supportive group of friends. I just need to break the news to my parents. I am so worried of their reaction. I just want them to be happy for me, but it is going to be hard for them because this isn't the vision they had for me. It isn't the one I had for me either...but I can see myself in it more clearly than any other.

Quick Update

2008-04-29T19:54:00.000-04:00

Ok, so she (EG) is gone. She has been written out of the picture for at least six months! A. made the decision with a little help from one of her best friends and I had nothing to do with it. Thank god! I didn't want it to turn into one of those "your gf is just jealous" kinda things because that wasn't it at all. She was adding stress to A. and it was bugging the poo out of me. So, that is that.

Life is good. Almost done with statisitics! New class starts in June and I am ready to actually start using the good part of my brain again. A. and I are great. Our 2 month anniversary is Thursday. I have a special surprise planned for her. I can't wait!!

One of these days I am going to finish A. and I's meeting and ensuing love story for all...I am working on it. Only gotten as far as the first meeting though...be patient!

Just go away!

2008-04-22T12:41:00.000-04:00

Do you ever wish someone would just go away? I mean not just leave your presence and not leave this earth but go away. Move away. Get out of my life! Ok, so maybe it isn't my life I am really referring to but it’s my girlfriend’s life. And because this person keeps showing up in her life she is showing up in my life too and it is making me cranky! I guess I really haven't had to deal with a current significant other having an ex in a long time so I am out of practice.
So, this ex (we will refer to her as EG for ex-girlfriend for now), she pops back in every so often as if just to interject herself into A's life. A is a genuine and good person and wants to remain friends with the EG. I try to do the same with my exes. I find it noble and wonderful and one of the many reasons why I love her so much. But here is my problem. EG is not over A and it is blatantly obvious by reading her blog. She is wallowing in a vat of self-pity the size of China. She is a total user and will take whatever she can get from anyone and will ask for it too. She has no pride or self-worth. And to make herself feel better she likes to pop in every so often and push A's buttons. See, when you are with someone for 2 years you know where all of their buttons are located and in what succession you should push them in order to get a reaction. I hate it, hate it, hate it, and hate it!!!
Last week, A told EG to lose her number and not call her again. And now, she is texting her again and asking her to go to lunch. Grrrrraaaaaarrrrrrr!! Why can’t she just go away? She is supposed to be moving and I cannot wait! I guess I shouldn’t let it bother me. After all I trust A with all my heart but its hard enough cultivating a new relationship without anyone else adding to the stress. A has a lot to deal with right now with school, work, me and family. She is going through a lot and I am trying to not add to the stress and EG has to factor herself into the equation too. I have thought about sending her an email telling her to get lost, but it’s not my place to do that. I am really trying to not be angry and jealous like I have been in the past. I am not jealous of her at all. I know where A’s loyalties lie. But EG is trying to weasel her way back into her/our life as she did before. A would always take her back when they would break up because EG would keep showing up and A would feel sorry for her and take her back. But there is no take backs now…A and I are together...FOR GOOD. She needs to get over it and move on.

So, that was my first rant….Happy Tuesday!

How it all started

2008-04-04T12:52:00.000-04:00

There was a party. It was to be a simple gathering. A housewarming for the older folks and family was first and then an all night blowout for the younger generation to follow. I arrived late which is not typical for me but I was going to the party alone and I am not apt to go places alone. After finding a parking place I walk to the rear of the house where everyone was gathered. There was a bonfire and people gathered all around. I see the birthday boy and give him a hug and he shows me around. I see some familiar faces and say “Hello.” Since I am still a pretty shy person I make myself a drink to take the edge off and fix a plate of food. I begin a conversation with a neighbor and chit chat for awhile until she has to leave with her husband. I then meander over to a group of people who I know from association but have not been formerly introduced. There is where I am introduced to her, A. They had just taken a group photo and C. pipes in and says T. is here we must take another photo. And someone says T. who’s T? And thus the introductions begin and conversations ensue.

After several solo cups filled with half captain morgan and half coke I am feeling fine. A. begins to talk to me. I smile and answer her probing questions all the while thinking “I think she is flirting with me.” I think to myself “wow, I don’t think a woman has ever flirted with me? Hmm…where do I put that? What do I think of it? I really like it…” I tell her about my job, school, life in general. She in return tells me the same. And I say “wow, this girl is really something.” I am thinking we could become really great friends.

Fast forward several hours…the party had moved from the house to a downtown bar. In that span of time I had managed to peak the interest of a 24 year old and in my drunken stupor had kept hanging on to him. And by hanging I mean doing things a respectable 32 year old woman has no business doing with a 24 year old. But I digress. I wanted some attention that night and I got it…albeit the wrong kind of attention. You live and you learn.

We are back at the house now, gathered around the fire, drinking, talking and laughing. I go in to use the bathroom and there she is, sitting on the steps with her best friend. She looks at me and smiles. I don’t remember much of the conversation but I remember her eyes, the light from the fire dancing in them. The way she looked at me and her smile.

The night ends everyone goes home and I stay at the house. I receive a friend request from her on myspace. We message and comment each other a few times and then there is an invitation to come to her house for a small get together before going to the bars downtown. Being that I work in higher education, I am broke most of the time. So I expressed my regrets that I wouldn’t be able to make it due to my lack of funds. But she is persistent, insisting that I come and that she will buy a couple beers for me.

The night comes and I am torn. Should I go? I know it will be fun. But I will be there with A. And I know I really like A and I think that something may happen. Do I really want that? Well I finally decide to go and walk into a house with several people around. A few that I had met at the other party and couple I didn’t know. There is a gallon of sex and the beach shots. Here she comes around the corner. “You came.” She says with a sweet sexy smile. There was the sparkle I remember from the previous night and that smile. Her whole face lights up when she smiles, it’s the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

And that was how it began. How I miraculously found someone who makes my life complete, happy and fabulous all at the same time. You aren’t getting anymore details because there is no need for that. Needless to say we started out as friends and tried our hardest to stay that way but there wasn’t any denying our connection. There was a slightly buzzed confession of my “crush” on bay street one night. And everything has blossomed from that point.