Just another day...

So its my slow time at work. Whenever there is a term in progress we have about 5 weeks of absolute dead times in the office. I mean seriously I see tumbleweeds blow through the hallway. Especially on Friday. And today being Friday and this being almost the last week of the quiet calmness I am reading blogs and surfing the web as usual. I ventured over to DOOCE and what ad do I see? This one...



Yo Mama! is right! What kinda ad is this? And what self respecting woman would pose in a unitard and leg warmers whilst pregnant. Don't get me wrong I love the female body! I love the pregnant female body! But a unitard and leg warmers? Bitch please...

Anyhew, not much new to report around my world. Life is good. School is bitch but I am making it. I have gotten a new sewing machine and I am hatching plans for all sorts of projects. If only I had time to do them all. One day I will not be in school and my free time will like free time again. Everytime I take time out to do something fun I feel guilty because I could be doing something school related. It's nerds guilt really. I really could apply myself more but I just don't want to. Besides I am getting a degree that will most likely be useless to me in the long run, but hey it was free! And I always say, you can't beat free.

Today just isn't my day

My morning started off normally with the slapping of the snooze and the pleading for just 10 more minutes. I finally got out of bed and sauntered to the living room to head out the door for my morning nicotine fix when a horrible stench slapped me in the face. What the hell is that smell? It smells like something died in here. Oh god are all animals accounted for? Little dog is in bed, lazy dog is still sleeping; anxious dog is at my heels…needy kitty is over there…ok where is anti-social kitty. There she is under the table. Ok…what is that smell. A flip on of the bright light in the living room revealed it: a big stinky pile or should I say puddle of either dog puke or poop. It was brown and smelly and gross. I immediately started gagging. Ok, so there is huge pile of smelly animal excrement and its not even 7:15am…I am definitely going for a smoke. I smoke while devising a clean-up plan of attack. I cleaned it up as best as I could because now I was really running late. I sit on the bed to take off my socks and a pillow knocks over my glass of tea all over the alarm clock. Yay. I think I got it off before it could short out anything but I guess I will find out if I am late for work tomorrow. Then I get to the gate on base and stupid little twirp asks me for my pass and my id. I would have been on time if it weren’t for him! He had to check my id and my plate and blah, blah, blah. I pull into the parking lot at 8am. At least I was almost on time.

Somedays I feel like I am one of those little fish at the bottom of the ocean. I have all these big things swimming around me and I am just sitting at the bottom doing my thing. I see the light coming through the water at the surface but I just can’t seem to get off the bottom. Everything else is swirling and churning around me keeping me at the bottom. No matter how hard I try. One step forward and two steps back.

Gratitude

This is a little late but I have been thinking about this post for about a week now. An acquaintance of mine from my pottery class writes a column for the local arts weekly and in it she wrote about all the things she was grateful for in 2008. You can read it here.

I feel that it is a great way to bring in a new year. You say your thanks for the all of things you were blessed with and move on to a new year of new experiences. Instead of making resolutions that are doomed for failure, ready yourself for a new year filled of promise. Here are the things I am grateful for in 2008.

1. I met April on February 8, 2008. It was truly the first day of the rest of my life.

2.I finally realized who I am. Instead of pushing feelings away and trying to be the person everyone else wanted me to be. I can finally say “I am me, take it or leave it”

3. I have the most wonderful family. They accept me for who I am and love me unconditionally. Not everyone in this world has that luxury.

4. I have a great group of friends. They support me and love me no matter what. Friends are truly the family we make for ourselves and I am thankful to have chosen all of them.

5. I have a job. Although I am not happy in it, I have one, it pays the bills and not most people can say that right now.

6. My four legged children. I welcomed 3 more into my life in 2008 and said goodbye to one.

7. I am happy that I got me meet April’s mom. Even though I did not have a chance to get to know her as I would have liked. I was able to meet her and I am pretty sure she knew how much I love April. While she was in the hospital I made a silent promise to her that I would take care of April no matter what.

8. My pottery class. While I am not a master potter I do enjoy the act of taking an unassuming lump of clay and molding it into something. Even if it is a wonky bowl or vase. I made it.


2009 will bring with it new experiences and challenges. I am looking forward to becoming active members in the local Unitarian church. April is moving in with me and I am very happy about that. I think I have made a decision about school. I am going to go ahead and move forward with the MPA program for the moment and hopefully start on a Counseling degree in the fall. I have will have two Master’s degrees then and whole lot of student loan debt but maybe, just maybe, I will be the change in the world I want to see. When I was younger I wanted to change the world and I had idealistic notions about government. It doesn’t change that easily and like many idealistic young Americans I became jaded. Now, I see things differently. I want to change the world but one person at a time. If I can make a difference in one person’s life by helping them through a difficult situation then I have made a change in the world.

Which way do I go George?

Lately I feel like I don’t know where I am going professionally. I have grown increasingly disinterested in my graduate classes. I am actually extremely dissatisfied with the instructors I have and the material that is being presented. I don’t really feel like I am learning much of anything. Yeah I learned some about economics last term but that is only because I literally knew nothing about it to begin with. But the term before that…I learned about initiative petitions. Big friggin’ deal. I have always wanted to teach on the college level. That has been my career goal since high school. Along my life journey I have changed my mind a few times but I always go back to political science / public affairs because it intrigues me. These classes are far from intriguing. They are boring and not stimulating. BLEH.

So, I have been doing some soul searching and I think I want to change careers. I have been thinking a lot about it and I think I would like to get into the counseling field. The issue is I am already halfway through this MPA degree and I don’t have to pay for anything except books. If I decide to go into counseling I will need to pay for those classes. So what is a girl to do?

I have this overwhelming feeling that I need to live my life with some sort of purpose. That purpose being to help people. Help them when they need it the most. I was reading the newspaper and in it they were highlighting the fact that the local special needs and disabilities organization needs volunteers because their budget has been cut dramatically. I have thought about going there to volunteer. I have also thought about volunteering at the local hospice although that might be a little too much for me to handle. I just don’t know what to do and I don’t know how I can go about finding the answers for myself.

Is 33 to young to be experiencing a mid-life crisis?

the light

the light in your eyes
shines for me

are you real?
Can it be?

I didn’t know
it could be

like this
forever, truly.

Excuse my while I rant

Some people really bother the crap out of me. Why do people insist on wallowing? I have been through bad break-ups before. I have felt like my heart was literally ripping in two and that my entire life essence had been drained. Did that keep me from moving forward? No. I had a marriage end for god sakes. A marriage. It didn’t work. Some things just don’t work no matter how hard you try or how much you want them to. It doesn’t mean you don’t love the person or miss them. It hurts, I know it does. But your life isn’t over. That part of your life came to a close but you are still the same person. Maybe smarter, wiser with a couple scars but you are still you. You can’t hang your life on someone else’s shoulders. That is why the relationship ended in the first place. You have to love you before anyone else will love you like you should be loved. Quit looking to someone for validation and look inward. Your life is yours, not someone else’s.

On the horizon

In seven days I will celebrate my 33rd birthday. Most days I cannot believe I am this old. Not that 33 is old, it’s not really in the grand scheme of things but I am not in the place that I thought would be when I imagined how my life would be. I would think that most people are in the same situation I am in. It really isn’t a bad situation I am actually happy with my life. I want more of course but once you stop wanting more you aren’t really living. Are you?